June

• Trey:

  Why do you think we don't notice when you pick your boogers onstage? Whenever you play the drums you "hide" behind the cymbals and think we can't see. Is this a statement that you believe people should be able to belch, fart, etc.? Even when onstage? If you're actually trying to hide, as you pick your boogers, then remember that a theatre is a very big room and many people can see you from many different angles, some of which may not portray you in the way you desire. We understand you may not print this, and that's o.k. We want to spare you any further embarrassments.

  Take care. Love, You.
  You:

  You've touched on a very sensitive issue. My mother, like so many unfortunate women in the early 60's, had a habit of snorting household chemicals during pregnancy. As a result I was born with the rare disease Windus Blockus Syndrome. In short, I've never belched or farted. For years Blockus Syndrome (or B.S. as it's commonly referred to) was considered fatal and incurable! But in 1965, one year before my birth, a cure was discovered. I was one and a half weeks old when I underwent surgery to implant a nasal relief valve" in my left nostril. By inserting my finger into my nose I can open the valve and release the offending gasses. To the layperson, it may look like simple nosepicking, but in reality it is a great scientific leap into the future. -- Trey
• Phish:

  It is long time since you fess up, Charlatans. For over eight long years Zeroman has been pulling sorry trombone solos. It is obvious to us that you have directed Jon to play down his potential horn blowing talents and purposefully play lousy solos to appeal to the masses. Eight years is a long time and we think Jon could have improved well past his present stage of playing, which is none at all. We respect him as a musician and didn't think that he was that much of a zero. Correct us if we're wrong suckers.

  Love, Skeptical but Beloved Fans
  Dear Skeptical but Beloved Fans:

  In response to your insightful and observant critique we feel you have overlooked one very important question. It is true that Zeroman has been "holding back" over the years and this fact was never meant to be hidden from the public. It is indeed quite obvious, as you have seen, that there has been virtually no sign of improvement over the years. In light of these truths then one must ask why? Why?! What could possibly be the reason behind such musically creative stagnation, such blatent disregard for vital musical expression? In a live moment filled with the potential for heralding in the sound of the trombone to come, why sonic abortion? We have all heard moments in his solos that were leading somewhere, inviting us to go along; the first steps on a long and glorious path that seemed to stretch endlessly before us to a place of unspeakable beauty that had been there all the time, right in front of us, but needing "his" trombone solo to give us those first steps and that first glimpse of "his" vision revealed in those first notes and then - COLLAPSE! Why! Why! Could it be a lack of practice or experience? Could it be that he just brought the trombone cheap at a garage sale and never really learned how to play the damned thing? Or maybe he tried to learn, but never really got past the first page of Mel Bay's Breeze Easy Trombone for the beginner and instead of doing it right decided to just try and seize a moment and hack it out in front of an audience at their expense. "oh sure," one might say, "any idiot who can get a sound from an instrument might be able to land a few phrases or string a couple semi-coherent ideas together once in a while."
  
  Well, no. No, these are not the reasons why Zeroman has failed to deliver (an admittedly needed) good trombone solo. The reason is quite simple: Phish plays in rooms balconies and if they don't have balconies they have roofs and when roofs and balconies collapse people die. If Zeroman were to blow a solo of which he is truly capable it would awaken the wood, nails, concrete and very stones of the foundation of any structure within a hundred miles to the vision of his testimony and the walls would come-a-tumbling down - as it were. Remember that Zeroman is all that there never was and to reveal such vision through whatever means is dangerous to the world. It's FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! So just relax and enjoy the show with the comfort of knowing that we care about you and want you to get home safely and not die beneath a pile of rubble in an exhibition of senseless destruction. It is a trade-off - appease the masses rather than make pieces of them.
  
  Working hard for your best interests,
  
  The Phish Band