Mike's Corner 2000

Herbert Doniac and Petriatrist Schvice have deemed it mutually approvable for me to recap the last two thousand years here. Unfortunately my knowledge of history is spotted with occasional "gaps." Still, you can rest assured that the undertaking is being handled by one of the Schvice's more reputable columns. You would never, for example, even get a recap of the century in the lesser "Fish's Forum."

It was Year Zero when Jesus converted from Judaism to Christianity. To cover the handling fee, Jesus wrote out a check for one dollar, dated The Year One. Most people still wrote "the year one" on their checks early in the year, thinking it was still One BC. That dollar, by the way, was worth 18 million dollars by modern standards. Which leads us to the Spanish Inquisition.

The Dark Ages gave way to the Middle Ages, and then the Renaissance, a bright old age in itself. Napoleon had lost; Caesar had won. Imagine the pride when Leonardo DiCaprio had invented the helicopter, 400 years before the invention of the helipad. This discussion would be far from complete without a mention of Medieval Times. Which leads us to 1976.

While the U.S. celebrated its bicentennial, other countries were doing things TO each other. And that's about it. You may be thinking, "What about Czarist Russia?" Well part of me thinks I did leave that out, but part of me thinks I didn't leave it out.

I could wrap up here by drawing certain parallels between Phish history and All history. I could also walk around with dog shit crammed up my nostrils and ear cavities. Next issue, we'll be making some predictions about the next 2000 years.